I've been thinking about the notions of surrender and obedience, as applied to living life, and spiritual practice. 

This most recent round of thinking about this subject was spurred by the conversation between Ken Wilber and Brother Wayne Teasdale over at integralnaked. 

Wayne Teasdale spoke of "surrender" a lot. 

But when you think about it, the subtle dimensions of that, are really hard.

I've been part of "semi-cults" before (actually learned a lot!) - I'm not going to go into details here - but foof course one of the aspects of cults and semi-cults, is that they lean deeply on the spiritual truth of surrender, to motivate people, and oftentimes manipulate people.  So surrender can be utilized very negatively.

On the other hand, it is really hard to let go of the really deep attachments, such as to a mate, or to a way of life, or if you are smart and successful, your own way of doing things.

Let's take the example of the military service.  People in military service currently, can go to Iraq, for example, for 1 year, sometimes 2 years, and not see their families, mates, etc.  Let's set up a what-if:  If a trusted spiritual leader (not a manipulative one) asked you to leave your life, perhaps to go meditate or do service in Africa, in Sri Lanka, in India, for up to 3 years, whatever it may be - how likely is it that you would go?  How likely is it that people would move, in order to follow the teacher?  Or even more so, if a trusted teacher asked you to leave your wife/husband, would you?  Are there situations where this is something a spiritual teacher would ask?

In WWII, couples did this, and sometimes did not see each other for 3-5 years.  And the whole life was given up. Speaking truthfully, I doubt I would. 

Even more so, how likely is it that really smart competent people would embrace a cook's job, or whatever it may be?

The reason I bring it up, is, for awhile (actually small bits) in the "semi-cult", for a period of time, I simply did what was asked of me, no questions.  This for me, for sheer torture, for a couple of reasons. 

1.  There was a lot of "crap" in the organization.  It was  far from pure.
2.  I'm just not the type of guy who surrenders easily.  I may "submit", because I have to - but that's not a "YES" of surrender!

But here's the important thing - when I did find a "yes" that was real, this touched a center, some type of will center, and "God" was able to get in through this will center.

This center for me,  that was touched, is, by "feel and taste", for lack of a better word, located in a different place in the bodymind that what happens with me with other spiritual practices.

For me the following  in my spiritual practices happen -

1. Sitting will provide deep stillness, awareness.
2. "Realization of oneness", brings this great rest, and actually is a center of deep flowing intuition. 
3. Prayer and heart meditations melt my heart, and bring deep loving connection to others - I "fall in love", looking at random people.

But this will center - releasing, so to speak, its ego-hold, brought this deep melting in the gut, that is incredibly powerful.

When the crap of the organization got too much, I left quickly - and since that time, I have continued with the three types of meditation above.

But that melting of the will, hasn't really happened again, and I haven't really "given my life" as I've been building up my worldy skills recently.

Surrendering happens in some ways of course.  I begin to accept life as it is, in all manifestations, there is surrendering to sitting, and more and more acceptance of things as they are.  

At any rate, for me, this was for me an interesting phenomena, and a puzzle, so I thought I'd comment on it.