All are worthwhile, so go read, if you can.
My initial stab at the Integral Relationship post, is similar to the discussion of the third article, Great Expectations - from Bill's quotes:
Coleman says that the constant cultural pressure to have it all—a great sex life, a wonderful family—has made people ashamed of their less-than-perfect relationships and question whether such unions are worth hanging on to. Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. "It's a recent historical event that people expect to get so much from individual partners," says Coleman, author of Imperfect Harmony, in which he advises couples in lackluster marriages to stick it out—especially if they have kids. "There's an enormous amount of pressure on marriages to live up to an unrealistic ideal."
More:
"There is a mythology of 'the wrong person,'" agrees Pittman. "All marriages are incompatible. All marriages are between people from different families, people who have a different view of things. The magic is to develop binocular vision, to see life through your partner's eyes as well as through your own."
The realization that we're not going to get everything we want from a partner is not just sobering, it's downright miserable. But it is also a necessary step in building a mature relationship, according to Real, who has written about the subject in How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. "The paradox of intimacy is that our ability to stay close rests on our ability to tolerate solitude inside a relationship," he says. "A central aspect of grown-up love is grief. All of us long for—and think we deserve—perfection." We can hardly be blamed for striving for bliss and self-fulfillment in our romantic lives—our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in the first blueprint of American society.
Now, Bill disagrees with that last articel, and I am going to quote in full: -
I think this article is a little dangerous in its tone and stance. There are a lot of couples who marry for the wrong reasons and do not discover that fact for many years. From the point of view of this article, these couples might be encouraged to stick it out when the best thing would be to move on in a new direction.
I think we need to factor in the soul's need for deeper connection. We want to be "in love" with our partner now, in five years, and in 25 years. We don't want only comfort and convenience, as much as those things are nice. We want it all -- and there is no reason we should settle for anything less.
From an integral perspective, these articles are all looking at relationships from a lower developmental level. The last one admits that we are seeking "something more" from relationships than previous generations sought (the emergence of the sensitive self), but it also dismisses this need for more meaningful relationship as a search for an illusive ideal.
As human beings continue to evolve -- and yes, we are still evolving -- our relationship needs are changing. While functional relationships with adequate affection used to be acceptable, for many of us this is no longer sufficient. We want more open, emotionally deeper, egalitarian relationships -- we want partners who are complete in and of themselves and who still care deeply for our own needs and happiness.
I'm guessing these articles would be useful for a lot of people. But some of us want more -- and wanting more out of life is not a bad thing. We are not seeking an unobtainable illusion -- we are creating a new pattern that future generations can inhabit and expand upon.
Okay - so this is the crux of the matter. How much is longing for the "ideal", for the "integral", a function of narcissism, and how much is it a function of creating a better version of relationship?
As Bill points out, if one buys into the "practical" version too much - and as I stated - you can be in a very unhappy relationship, for years on end.
The other side of the danger, is that you ARE "seeking an unobtainable illusion".
My first round of theorizing (and again, I can easily be wrong) is that Bill is wrong here, based on the following data:
a. Based on the research, more people ARE becoming more narcissistic - look at latest C4 post.
b. Most people, who last a long time in relationship, do tend to accept the relationship "as it is", within the boundaries described by the Great Expectations article.
c. Most self-reporting on successful relationships describe coming back to appreciating the qualities of relating, and human-ness, not some extra-ordinariness.
But again, I could be wrong, Bill may be correct - I still say, however, that integral relationship has to be "a step" beyond successful relationship - so authoritative statements about "Integral Relationship" can only come from those with 10 years of success in relationships under their belts, as well as 10 years of lived experience with Integral.
Even Ken Wilber doesn't meet that criteria!
(Though I have to say, the relationship of Ken and Treya certainly qualifies).
