An amazing view of the Universe here - scales of distance.

Props to Webware.

I've been remiss in not blogging this, mainly, because I've been busy, and passed over A Few Random Notes, when it showed up in my reader.

But then I read Joe's post on the treatments he is starting, and I backtracked at the Until site.

So here's what is going on:

Chronic pain. As I've written before, I've been suffering from an excrutiatingly irritating form of chronic pain since last fall. I've chosen not to say more about the subject on my weblog, but I want to mention that the problems have persisted and continue to impact my quality of life (and quality and quantity of writing). I've been doing hyponotic visualizations (vision questing), but it's difficult to say if it's helping or not. I would say no to helping with the pain, but yes it's helping me feel less beaten down and disempowered by the pain.

HIV. My immune system functioning continues to sink into the toilet (with a high viral load count and CD4 count in the low double-digits). Finally things have come together to the point where I can start new HIV medications. I have applied (and hope to be approved) for "compassionate use" access to a new Merck drug that is an integrase inhibitor.

Joe's treatment post points out that he now IS approved, and is will be beginning a new type of drug therapy, so let's all wish him the best.

It's really funny - I've been reading Joe's stuff, since I got into blogging and reading blogs.  Now that blogging has exploded into ten million different ways to get information, he is still one of the sites that I subscribe to.  His honesty, and unique - and can I say artistic? - method of analyzing and writing have given me hours of entertainment, education, and reflection.

He does feel, to me, like a valued member of my tribe, and I've come to care, through this venue called "the internet".

So, I am wishing Joe all the best - I hope others will as well.

Bill links to, and discusses, in a wonderful post, three different relationship articles here:

All are worthwhile, so go read, if you can.

My initial stab at the Integral Relationship post, is similar to the discussion of the third article, Great Expectations  - from Bill's quotes:

Coleman says that the constant cultural pressure to have it all—a great sex life, a wonderful family—has made people ashamed of their less-than-perfect relationships and question whether such unions are worth hanging on to. Feelings of dissatisfaction or disappointment are natural, but they can seem intolerable when standards are sky-high. "It's a recent historical event that people expect to get so much from individual partners," says Coleman, author of Imperfect Harmony, in which he advises couples in lackluster marriages to stick it out—especially if they have kids. "There's an enormous amount of pressure on marriages to live up to an unrealistic ideal."

More:

"There is a mythology of 'the wrong person,'" agrees Pittman. "All marriages are incompatible. All marriages are between people from different families, people who have a different view of things. The magic is to develop binocular vision, to see life through your partner's eyes as well as through your own."

The realization that we're not going to get everything we want from a partner is not just sobering, it's downright miserable. But it is also a necessary step in building a mature relationship, according to Real, who has written about the subject in How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women. "The paradox of intimacy is that our ability to stay close rests on our ability to tolerate solitude inside a relationship," he says. "A central aspect of grown-up love is grief. All of us long for—and think we deserve—perfection." We can hardly be blamed for striving for bliss and self-fulfillment in our romantic lives—our inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness is guaranteed in the first blueprint of American society.

Now, Bill disagrees with that last articel, and I am going to quote in full: -

I think this article is a little dangerous in its tone and stance. There are a lot of couples who marry for the wrong reasons and do not discover that fact for many years. From the point of view of this article, these couples might be encouraged to stick it out when the best thing would be to move on in a new direction.

I think we need to factor in the soul's need for deeper connection. We want to be "in love" with our partner now, in five years, and in 25 years. We don't want only comfort and convenience, as much as those things are nice. We want it all -- and there is no reason we should settle for anything less.

From an integral perspective, these articles are all looking at relationships from a lower developmental level. The last one admits that we are seeking "something more" from relationships than previous generations sought (the emergence of the sensitive self), but it also dismisses this need for more meaningful relationship as a search for an illusive ideal.

As human beings continue to evolve -- and yes, we are still evolving -- our relationship needs are changing. While functional relationships with adequate affection used to be acceptable, for many of us this is no longer sufficient. We want more open, emotionally deeper, egalitarian relationships -- we want partners who are complete in and of themselves and who still care deeply for our own needs and happiness.

I'm guessing these articles would be useful for a lot of people. But some of us want more -- and wanting more out of life is not a bad thing. We are not seeking an unobtainable illusion -- we are creating a new pattern that future generations can inhabit and expand upon.

Okay - so this is the crux of the matter.  How much is longing for the "ideal", for the "integral", a function of narcissism, and how much is it a function of creating a better version of relationship?

As Bill points out, if one buys into the "practical" version too much - and as I stated - you can be in a very unhappy relationship, for years on end.

The other side of the danger, is that you ARE "seeking an unobtainable illusion".

My first round of theorizing (and again, I can easily be wrong) is that Bill is wrong here, based on the following data:

a.  Based on the research, more people ARE becoming more narcissistic - look at latest C4 post.
b.  Most people, who last a long time in relationship, do tend to accept the relationship "as it is", within the boundaries described by the Great Expectations article.
c.  Most self-reporting on successful relationships describe coming back to appreciating the qualities of relating, and human-ness, not some extra-ordinariness.

But again, I could be wrong, Bill may be correct - I still say, however, that integral relationship has to be "a step" beyond successful relationship - so authoritative statements about "Integral Relationship" can only come from those with 10 years of success in relationships under their belts, as well as 10 years of lived experience with Integral.

Even Ken Wilber doesn't meet that criteria! 

(Though I have to say, the relationship of Ken and Treya certainly qualifies).

And strange, as well.

In 1972, 87% of children who lived within a mile of school walked or biked daily; today, just 13% of children get to school under their own power, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In a significant parallel, before 1980, only 5% of children were obese; today that figure has tripled, says the CDC.

That's a weird thing, in my ow opinion.  Not too integral...

Hey, why not.

It's a good jumping off point, at any rate, to the discussion.

But here is the Dr. Phil way!

At any rate, here is a relationship quiz.  Good place to start, actually, as the less "points" you have, the better your relationship.  Also - if accurately portrayed as troublespots - then you can begin to focus on what to "improve".

So, I got some kickback from Gary on my 1st "integral relationship" post. 

We seem to be talking past each other a bit, so I took some time, thought about things a bit more, and would like to adjust my view, just a bit. (I responded over there, and this builds on that).

An integral relationship, per se, would need to be some superior form or relationship, above and beyond a "successful" relationship.

So I should start by investigating - what makes a successful relationship?

I browsed around, looking for successful relationship information - couples that talk about their own relationships, seem to have different ideas. 

How about it - we know that for good health, the basics are - eat right, exercise right.  What are the basics for good relationship?  What do the "experts" say?

And then, a question - I tend to naturally define a successful relationship as long-lasting.  If "successful", means love, ease, good communication, good physical relationship, etc - would people LEAVE a good relationship?  Say something like "we got along GREAT, we communicate well, we laugh, we accept most everything about each other - but we both came to understand that it was time to move on".

I believe the facts are with me on this, but, most relationships don't end on that note.  

So there is a time element involved, in regards to "successful" relationship. 

This seems to me that, to even begin to speak about an integral relationship - above and beyond a successful relationship (and I haven't even begun to define that yet!), that to speak from grounded experience ABOUT integral relationship (combining a "successful relationship that has stood the test of time" with "the world of integral"), you need to have some years of successful relationship under your belt, in the majority of cases.

5 years? 10 years?

Until you have that, let's - again - work on "successful" relationship, as a 1st step .

although, as always, theory points the way - so we can theorize to our hearts content. You just can't speak authoritatively, and remember that one is speaking in the realm of theory or "maybe an integral relationship is this..."

Video sites branch out.

Okay, that's an exaggeration. 

But a good article here on, how easy it is to set up a blog community, and then the inevitable questions regarding how to manage membership in multiple communities.

The quote: 

Any whoozit with a hundred bucks can install an elgg or a drupal or a moodle or a wiki and spam the bloggosphere saying that “this is the new community… supporting (insert obscure bit of cartilage on the long tail here)” We are increasingly collaborative, increasingly involved in collaboration… We are members of our banking sites, our research sites our community sites our schools our communities of practice…

This is the 2nd part of an ongoing series, analyzing the pluses and minuses of Steve Pavlina blogging on Self-Discipline.

The 2nd post of Pavlina's on Self-Discipline is here, called Self-Discipline:  Acceptance.

He begins by defining acceptance, in the context of Self-Discipline.


The first of the five pillars of self-discipline is acceptance. Acceptance means that you perceive reality accurately and consciously acknowledge what you perceive.

This may sound simple and obvious, but in practice it’s extremely difficult. If you experience chronic difficulties in a particular area of your life, there’s a strong chance that the root of the problem is a failure to accept reality as it is.

Why is acceptance a pillar of self-discipline? The most basic mistake people make with respect to self-discipline is a failure to accurately perceive and accept their present situation. Remember the analogy between self-discipline and weight training from yesterday’s post? If you’re going to succeed at weight training, the first step is to figure out what weights you can already lift. How strong are you right now? Until you figure out where you stand right now, you cannot adopt a sensible training program.

If you haven’t consciously acknowledged where you stand right now in terms of your level of self-discipline, it’s highly unlikely that you’re going to improve at all in this area. Imagine a would-be bodybuilder who has no idea how much weight s/he can lift and arbitrarily adopts a training routine. It’s virtually certain that the chosen weights will be either too heavy or too light. If the weights are too heavy, the trainee won’t be able to lift them at all and thus will experience no muscle growth. And if the weights are too light, the trainee will lift them easily but won’t build any muscle in doing so.

Similarly, if you want to increase your self-discipline, you must know where you stand right now. How strong is your discipline at this moment? Which challenges are easy for you, and which are virtually impossible for you?


I can't see much wrong with this section - "know where you are", like "be where you are now", being both a great spiritual understanding, and a pragmatic and practical, and necessary way to move forward in the real world.

But, as he mentions, the difficulty is in the "knowing".  In some things, I have self-discipline (as an example, today has been a completely focused day - I am writing this coming off a 5 mile run, as well as an hour and a half doing weights in the gym, and in the morning, a 30 minute meditation, as well as cleaning up the house.  I've been focused all day today, and yes, it is good!  But tomorow? May be another story!), but in others (giving up sugar, being more proactive in career), my discipline is, how shall I say it, close to non-existent?

Then Steve lists various ways to take inventory of one's discipline:

Similarly, if you want to increase your self-discipline, you must know where you stand right now. How strong is your discipline at this moment? Which challenges are easy for you, and which are virtually impossible for you?

Here’s a list of challenges to get you thinking about where you stand right now (in no particular order):

    * Do you shower/bathe every day?
    * Do you get up at the same time every morning? Including weekends?
    * Are you overweight?
    * Do you have any addictions (caffeine, nicotine, sugar, etc.) you’d like to break but haven’t?
    * Is your email inbox empty right now?
    * Is your office neat and well organized?
    * Is your home neat and well organized?
    * How much time do you waste in a typical day? On a weekend?
    * If you make a promise to someone, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it?
    * If you make a promise to yourself, what’s the percentage chance you’ll keep it?
    * Could you fast for one day?
    * How well organized is your computer’s hard drive?
    * How often do you exercise?
    * What’s the greatest physical challenge you’ve ever faced, and how long ago was it?
    * How many hours of focused work do you complete in a typical workday?
    * How many items on your to do list are older than 90 days?
    * Do you have clear, written goals? Do you have written plans to achieve them?
    * If you lost your job, how much time would you spend each day looking for a new one, and how long would you maintain that level of effort?
    * How much TV do you currently watch? Could you give up TV for 30 days?
    * How do you look right now? What does your appearance say about your level of discipline (clothes, grooming, etc)?
    * Do you primarily select foods to eat based on health considerations or on taste/satiety?
    * When was the last time you consciously adopted a positive new habit? Discontinued a bad habit?
    * Are you in debt? Do you consider this debt an investment or a mistake?
    * Did you decide in advance to be reading this blog right now, or did it just happen?
    * Can you tell me what you’ll be doing tomorrow? Next weekend?
    * On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your overall level of self-discipline?
    * What more could you accomplish if you could answer that last question with a 9 or 10?

Just as there are different muscle groups which you train with different exercises, there are different areas of self-discipline: disciplined sleep, disciplined diet, disciplined work habits, disciplined communication, etc. It takes different exercises to build discipline in each area.

My advice is to identify an area where your discipline is weakest, assess where you stand right now, acknowledge and accept your starting point, and design a training program for yourself to improve in this area. Start out with some easy exercises you know you can do, and gradually progress to greater challenges.

For what this recommends, it sounds great - but it is important to recognize the ability to do the above ALREADY pre-supposes a host of skills:

a.  The ability to be honest with oneself, WITHOUT collapsing into "I'm a failure"
b. The ability to, patiently, analyze oneself, for various and distinct areas of life.
c.  The ability to plan successfully, for various types and forms of discipline.

So, if one is moderately disciplined, or weakly disciplined, there is a very real chance that the "self-analysis"called for above, will never actually happen.

An example of this - the inventory mode for Getting Things Done.  That is something I have failed to do, because you have to get everything together, that takes a few days, and I've never gotten it together enough to be "organized enough to get organized". 

The same failure principle applies here, and Pavlina glosses over it.

The rest of this particular post is the typical "rags to riches" spiel - NEEDED, but you find the same spiel in any self-transformation book - the ugly duckling becomes a swan!:

I have personally reaped tremendous benefits from pursuing the path of self-discipline. When I was 20 years old, I lived in a small studio apartment, and my sleep hours were something like 4am to 1pm. My diet included lots of fast food and junk food. I didn’t exercise except for sometimes taking long walks. Getting the mail seemed like a significant accomplishment each day, and the highlight of my day was hanging out with friends. At the end of a month, I couldn’t really think of many salient events that occurred during the month. I had no job, no car, no income, no goals, no plans, and no real future. All I felt I had was a lot of problems that weren’t getting any better. I had no sense that I could control my path through life. I would simply wait for things to happen and then react to them.

But eventually I faced the reality that trying to wait out my life wasn’t working. If I was going to get anywhere, I was going to have to do something about it. And initially this meant tackling a lot of difficult challenges, but I overcame them and grew a lot stronger in a short period of time.

Fast forward fourteen years, and it’s like night and day. I get up at 5am each morning. I exercise six days a week. I eat a purely vegan diet with lots of fresh vegetables. My home office is well organized. My physical inbox and my email inbox are both empty. I’m married with two kids and live in a nice house. A binder sits on my desk with my written goals and detailed plans to achieve them, and several of my 2005 goals have already been accomplished. I’ve never been more clear about what I wanted, and I’m doing what I love. I know I’m making a difference.

Now, that's great for him.  I have a feeling though, that again, the ability for sustained focus, capacity for organization, no "self-sabatoge", existed for Steve Pavlina at the age of 20.   Many of us are battling other demons, which are also glossed over.

Lastly, a point - this series isn't about tearing down Steve Pavlina, or any other self-transformation guru.  And the advice Pavlina gives, IS very good, and very practical.  But I want to flesh out a deeper, fuller, picture, not the cardboard cutout version of "self-improvement rags to riches".

Thoughts, as always, are appreciated!

Take time to check it out - worth it.

There is always a tension for me, between the public and the private aspects of this.  For example, one of the questions is "goals for the year".   If I take the goals section, or say, one of the reflections "what would I like to accomplish in a year".  If I fill that out, in a year, I would probably achieve 5% to 15% of the goals that I lay out, based on my track record (spurts of activity, followed by long periods of lassitude).

But should I anyway?

It might be worth it, to track a bright and spiritual - but problems with sustained discipline - attempts at reaching goals.  Especially as opposed to the go-go rah-rah isms of Steve Pavlina, Tony Robbins, etc.

What do you think?

From Plenty Magazine:

3000 square foot home
Hydrogen run car
Hydrogen run golf car

And only 500K to build.

Shoot, in the San Francisco, you can't find a studio apartment with 750 square feet, under 500K.

Funny MadTV skit - skewering Steve Jobs and U.S. foreign policy, at the same time:

His Take is here.

Pretty much a takedown - The Spirituality of Narcissism.  An example:

#2, Since YOU create your own Reality (Oprah went to pains to stress and emphasize this point, and had Rhonda explicitly confirm precisely that phrase "we create our own reality") you are responsible as the Source of whatever arises in your Reality. Every thing in your experience, you created (merely using thoughts and feelings! Wow). Many of you reading this right now may be astonished to finally understand you gave yourself cancer. You caused yourself to be raped, robbed, murdered, stricken with every malady in the canon of illness, beset with each kind of strife imaginable. The Holocaust? Just something Jews brought on themselves, as they each apparently created their own Reality. The Rape of Nanking? Bad Chinese, with their bad thoughts and feelings, simply created their own reality and thus caused the unspeakable murder of 350,000 innocent children, women, and men. Weird, the Reality people create for themselves, ain't it?

Stu then goes on, bringing in some integral theory.  But a good near-last paragraph.

Here's what I feel is a healthier approach. Use the right tool for the right job. The right decoy for the right level. I think it is GOOD to improve our financial station. I think it is GOOD to have an exciting love life. That's why I have a financial advisor. That's why I see a therapist. I need to work on my self. I want to improve my relative reality. But I don't need to invoke "the Universe" or quantum fucking mechanics or magical-narcissistic mysticism to do so. It's a LIE and it's misguided as it gets. Fucking bloody hell. Want to find your Self? See Swami Sally. Want to get a new house? A blow job? See Suzy Ormand and Sue Johansen. Stop it with this Secret shit. It's offensive and detrimental to our work in the Mystery.

Again, like the take from Salon, I pretty much agree.  

I haven't spoken much on the concept of integral relationship.  But there has been a lot of thought on this, from both Gary Stamper, and Bill Harrison.   This post is one of my first reflections on "relationship", so please be kind!

I've had one big issue, a huge stumbling block, to thinking in coherent terms about integral relationship (outside of shadow work, which I have posted on).  And I've mentioned this before over at Bill's house:

There is a tremendous amount of narcissistic exaltation in all thoughts I've read so far, on integral relationship.   This is true, both for myself, and in what I've read from these fellow explorers about integral relationship. 

For one - "getting to integral" in relationship. I'm not sure that relationship should - EVER - be put into an integral box.  Perhaps in thinking about theory, one can talk about integral relationships, but in the relationship itself - it "simply is".  Having 'achievable goals' in an actual, real, relationship, run counter to the spirit of what works in relationship.

So what is the ground?

First off, the ground is  love and acceptance.   And I - think,, don't know - that the level of love and acceptance required is more than is normally thought of.

One thought experiment, to confront the tendency for narcissism directly:  I hope that others may take this up as well.

What happens when you think of your primary relationship the same way you think of, say, a relationship with a child?  You can't "divorce" your child - you have to MAKE THINGS WORK.   Can you imagine if a person said "my child is limiting my growth potential, my spiritual potential, and making me unhappy, with his difficulties and his issues."

You can see the narcissism there, yes?

And yet, in a primary relationship, in a marriage, how often do we see, in divorce, do we see this?  The other is not fulfilling our needs, so we split?

Now, I'm going to be referencing a particular coupling and their splitting here, and one example post.  So when I begin, I want to say up front, the honesty and courage of both of the participators here, is to be commended.   Much more into sharing than me.  As such, I think using their posts is USEFUL, in this experiment.  And here, yes, I'm referencing Kira and Bill, since both have been very upfront in their relationship issues, and their perspectives  (much more so than me!).  And the questions their breakup (when they were attempting to live in integral relationship) are INTERESTING, and, hopefully, USEFUL.)  They have both moved on, and are happy where they are at.  So please don't interpret this as any type of analysis of THEIR relationship, this is just a jumping off point.

Here's part of the "breakup post" from Kira.  I've interspersed "Bill" with "my child" substitutes - again, to highlight the EXPECTATION that we clearly bring to a couple/relationship, that we don't bring to, say, a parent/child relationship:

On Saturday I ended my relationship with Bill [my child] after more than five [18] years together. Our relationship was by far the most important one I've ever had – the most conscious, the deepest, the most authentic and joyful. Some of the hours and days we've shared have been by far the best of my life. For that, I am profoundly grateful.

When Bill and I first became a couple [when I first had my child], I was in a rough place emotionally. I've done an incredible amount of healing during the time we've been together [time I've raised him]. I've become much more grounded, and my worst demons have departed. A formerly exiled subpersonality [my Lost Child] returned and reintegrated. I've learned to trust my intellect much more. I've come to enjoy and even treasure being a woman after decades of fighting it. And I've discovered, contrary to my childhood programming, that I'm deserving of love and kindness. Bill [My child[, too, has done significant growth during these last 5+ years. It's dazzling to me how much healing can take place in an environment of love.

Yet our relationship has also been an emotional roller coaster, and over the past several months I've been so worn down by it that I reached a place where I didn't have any more to give. As Bill has written in his blog, [As my child] he's been in a lot of turmoil – both recently and over the entire time we've been together – and I've been in the line of fire even though it's not about me. The thread that connected us had already been stretched very thin this year, and while we were on vacation it snapped. After returning to Tucson and taking two weeks apart to reflect on our relationship, I came to the conclusion that as deeply as I love him, I can't put myself through this anymore. As sad as that decision is, I know it's the right one.

I believe that couples come together to evolve [believe that a parent and child come together to evolve]. The most fortunate ones find a way to keep evolving together. I was hoping for that in this relationship, and I know Bill [ny child[ was, too. We gave it our best shot, but ultimately we couldn't find a meeting place in the middle that allowed for enough emotional connection for me and enough emotional space for him. One of the great gifts of our relationship is that we each became more respectful of our own bottom line. We reached a place where each of us was no longer willing to sacrifice our individual self for the relationship. David Schnarch calls that “differentiation.” Bill [my kid] and I both knew what a big deal it was to get there. We both believe that a truly healthy relationship is impossible without reaching that point. We helped each other evolve in that and so many other ways. Again, I'm profoundly grateful.

Now - I think the crux of the above is the following - I believe that couples come together to evolve - we all have some similar expectations, and when you talk about "integral relationships, you buy into that mindset and perspective.  I present the quote above, simply to illustrate one example of expectations we bring to a romantic relationship.  Other relationships and people have other expectations.

This is what separates, say, a relationship coupling, from a child/parent coupling.  In a parent/child relationship, you pretty much are stuck - you WORK, and don't give up, at coming to an accomodation, a healthy relationship with your child/parent (on either side).  But in a couple relationship, clearly, there are expectations to be met, and this is how it should be.

Throughout history, of course,  it's been the same with "couple relationships" - til death do you part.  You accept the person as they are - barring deep physical or mental violence in the relationship - and then you work accept/accomodate/relate on a deeper more intimate relationship with that person.  And that is very similar to the relationship with a parent/child, in that the relationship is defined as "not giving up".

Of course, for the last 60 years or so, in the West, we've had a different view of relationship.  That a primary relationship has to be "working", "healthy", "serving me", etc, etc.

And this has been great - we don't have people trapped in unhealthy, unhappy, relationships, as we've seen our parents, grandparents, etc - trapped in.  And why should we, as authentic growing people, be trapped the same way?  Become a dishrag to our "other"? 

We absolutely shouldn't!

And yet, it seems to me, that many people I know, after years of being in relationships, and seeing them fail, END UP - finally - in their 30's, 40's, 50's, etc - in the exact same place of humility.  They accept their partner "as they are", with their foibles, issues, problems, and stupidities, as just part of the landscape OF the person they have chosen to live their life with.  And those issues and problems become tolerated, to an extent, and accomodated, to another extent. And then the relationship goes forward, and "works".

So, where is the line? 

Personally, I have no clue. 

I lived my 20's in the expectation of "perfect spiritual relationship".  And it was wonderful, and also often horrible, as I or the other person, didn't "measure up".  And we pushed more and more the other person, towards what we thought was the "right" expectation.

In my current relationship, we have ups and downs - especially recently, after her rather serious accident of about 6 months ago, and  issues stemming from that accident, making life more challenging for the two of us.

But we are committed to each other, love each other, and accept each other.  It is by no means "perfect".  No, we both have our "stuff". But we make it work, come together, share, have fun, and support each other.

Is that "integral"?  Not really, that I can see.  It's more, as I've said about simply being a practical caring person. Simple things.  Making time for each other.  Creating space for self-expression.  Sometimes arguing. Joking with each other.  Disagreeing, then agreeing to disagree.  Coming back to doing fun things together, and loving.  Doing things that need to be done.

It's much more similar to the 'accepting the person no matter what', and working to accomodate each other without losing one's voice.

But clearly there ARE expectations that we have of our significant other:  Have to be responsible for oneself, in one's life to at least a workable degree (cleanliness, work, etc).  Have to communicate clearly.
What do you see as expectations for a relationship?   And then can you even TALK about "integral relationship"?





 

Here is the link.

Some interesting parts:

The way to build self-discipline is analogous to using progressive weight training to build muscle. This means lifting weights that are close to your limit. Note that when you weight train, you lift weights that are within your ability to lift. You push your muscles until they fail, and then you rest.

Comment:  This seems to be true for some things, but not others.  Example:  I can be disciplined for meditation and exercise, but not, say, IT study.

It’s a mistake to try to push yourself too hard when trying to build self-discipline. If you try to transform your entire life overnight by setting dozens of new goals for yourself and expecting yourself to follow through consistency starting the very next day, you’re almost certain to fail. This is like a person going to the gym for the first time ever and packing 300 pounds on the bench press. You will only look silly.

Again, I'm not sure how true this is.  If I set a goal of 30 minutes meditation, and 30 minutes exercise, I will do those goals, but if I set a goal of 10 minutes guitar playing (which I love) or 10 minutes IT study (which is okay, interesting), that I don't do.

So something else is going on, besides building the "self-discipline" muscle.

Similarly, if you’re very undisciplined right now, you can still use what little discipline you have to build more. The more disciplined you become, the easier life gets. Challenges that were once impossible for you will eventually seem like child’s play. As you get stronger, the same weights will seem lighter and lighter.

Perhaps you try to work a solid 8-hour day without succumbing to distractions, and you can only do it once. The next day you fail utterly. That’s OK. You did one rep of 8 hours. Two is too much for you. So cut back a bit. What duration would allow you to successfully do 5 reps (i.e. a whole week)? Could you work with concentration for one hour a day, five days in a row? If you can’t do that, cut back to 30 minutes or whatever you can do. If you succeed (or if you feel that would be too easy), then increase the challenge (i.e. the resistance).

That example simply isn't my reality.  My own experience is, you truly need at least 30 days, maybe 90, for a new practice to become habitual.  (This is also something that Pavlina says, which is true, in my experience.)

But what will happen with a "new" practice, practiced independently, is that I'll keep it up for a few days, then fall off the wagon, then sporadically continue, until I give up again. (Or come back to that practice a couple of weeks later.)

So, in my case at least (and I'm being honest here about my lack of self-discipline) it seems to me that there are two options, for those who obviously never learned true self-discipline, but simply learned enough to "get by". 

a.  Immersion:  Especially for any new trait, the "AA" route is useful.  Full immersion, and daily support, for the new trait you are attempting to instill - until it becomes a habit.
b. Immersion again - in a program to learn "self-discipline" as a trait, in and of itself, separate from any actual practice.
c.  Bill mentioned this once - work with one's psychology, or inner voices, to understand what inside of one's psychology is indulging in self-sabatoge of growth. 

I would criticize Stve Pavlina, actually, from presenting a "system", or a guide of how-to's, that in a lot of ways, "assumes the close".  Meaning, assumes the self-discipline already exists, with which to "improve".
The A to B straight line of self-improvement that Pavlina endorses, while sounding wonderful, glosses over the challenges to the "normal" person.  As such, is of very limited use, to effectively creating change.

Saw this article on Google Maps - love the camel, myself:

Apparently, you can get much better video, if you play with the settings of Google Maps.

I can hardly wait - one day, I'll be down on a bench in Union Square.  There's a free hotspot there, so I'll have my computer notebook.  Google will have giga-tera-googlebyte servers, that will constantly be updating their satellite feeds, on a minute by minute basis.

So, I'll tune into that particular location node - right longitude and latitude - and then simply watch myself, (I'll be looking at my computer) on the Google Earth Video Cam, which will show me looking at my computer.

Maybe I'll follow myself around - as I'll have a GPS device installed, that constistently communicates my notebooks location to the Google Server, which then relays it to the Google Earth Video Cam.

Then I'll rip the video of my day, and zap it to my friends - who probably won't watch it, as they are too busy video documenting THEIR days.

Google Big Brother, here we come!!

The original link is here - and please go read.  But, this is such a cool piece of music, I have to embed it in the blog.  The boy is really starting to get good with his guitar - I love this piece.



                The Hole - video powered by Metacafe

From Bill at Integral Options, a link from Salon.

I completely agree with the criticisms.  However, I don't judge Oprah harshly for promoting the Secret, although it might end up she is simply cynically pushing product.

But I don't think she needs to do that, as she makes a recommendation, such as her book clubs, and everyone reads her suggestions.

This is pure speculation and projection - but it seems to me that HER particular story - especially her early life:

From Wikipedia:

Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi, to a Baptist family. Her parents were unmarried teenagers. .[9][10] Her mother, Vernita Lee, was a housemaid, and her father, Vernon Winfrey, was a coal miner and later worked as a barber before becoming a city councilman. Winfrey's father was in the Armed Forces when she was born. After her birth, Winfrey's mother travelled north and Winfrey spent her first six years living in rural poverty with her Grandma Hattie Mae. Winfrey's grandmother taught her to read before the age of three and took her to the local church, where she was nicknamed "The Preacher" for her ability to recite Bible verses. When Winfrey was a child, her grandmother would take a switch and would hit her with it when she didn't do chores or if she misbehaved in any way.[11]

At age six, Winfrey moved to an inner city ghetto in Milwaukee, Wisconsin with her mother, who was less supportive and encouraging than her grandmother. Winfrey has stated that she was molested by her cousin, uncle, and a family friend, starting when she was 9.

Despite her dysfunctional home life, Winfrey skipped two of her earliest grades, became the teacher's pet, and by the time she was 13 received a scholarship to attend Nicolet High School in the suburbs, known as Glendale, Wisconsin. Although Winfrey was very popular, she couldn't afford to go out on the town as frequently as her better-off classmates. Like many teenagers at the end of the 1960s, Winfrey rebelled, ran away from home and ran the streets. When she was 14, she became pregnant, but lost the baby after birth.[12] Also at that age, her frustrated mother sent her to live with her father in Nashville, Tennessee. Vernon was strict, but encouraging and made her education a priority. Winfrey became an honors student, was voted "Most Popular Girl", joined her high school speech team, and placed second in the nation in dramatic interpretation. She won an oratory contest, which secured her a full scholarship to Tennessee State University, a historically black institution, where she studied communication. At age 18, Winfrey won the Miss Black Tennessee beauty pageant.

Winfrey's boyfriend from high school, Anthony Otey, would later recall what Winfrey was like during those early years:

    …she knew what she wanted very early in life. She said she wanted to be a movie star. She wanted to be an actress. And I praise God that she's done that. She was willing to put aside a lot of other things. Back in the seventies, drugs had started entering the schools, and that kind of thing. We were involved in integration and those fights in those years. We were actively involved in that, but she knew what she wanted to do. She worked hard at it, and when her ship started to sail, she got aboard.[13]

Oprah's early life is an incredibly inspiring story - there is no doubt.  Her determination, intelligence, and ability, always stood out.  Perhaps that is why the Secret makes sense TO HER.

In a way, she has LIVED the story of "the Secret".   But what isn't realized - by her, and by others with incredible abilities - is that there exceptions, their lives, are exceptions that inspire, based on incredible personal skills, and also includes an element of chance, being in the right place, at the right time.  The existentialists - Satre, Tillich, Frankl, even most of the self-improvement gurus - describe in detail the pychological realm of "creating out of nothing", creating and recreating the Self.   Great creative artists and skilled artisans transcend their environments, to create novelty, meaning, purpose, bringing greater revelations, order, out of the existing circumstances.

While that looks a lot like "The Secret", again, these are the EXCEPTIONS, and the EXCEPTIONAL - which clearly Oprah is.  And the rules that apply to the exceptional people, cannot be universalized to all, especially without reference to the social, biographical, and personal factors of each individual person.

The  "rules" so to speak, of the exceptional - and these can be documented, as there are similarities - are not the same for all people. Other people are more described by the environments they were brought up in, the issues those create, and the limitations of being, simply, an ordinary person.

A very interesting article from the Daily Mail here.

Size and colors distinguish comparisons across countries, of different metrics.

Distiguishing size, based on the metric you are looking at, can be a much more educational way to look at demographic trends.

From Integrative Spirituality

Kids, the Internet, and the End of Privacy.

Great article about teens, etc, living their lives in the public.  I certainly know a few teens who do this, though not all.

Myself, being older, I still keep a type of semi-obscurity, though of course, I can be found.

The more spiritual question is, how much is the public exposure, a type of narcissism, and how much is "healthy"?

Being an "old fogey", I have quite a lot of sympathy to the opinion that it's all narcissism, the public display.  But, I'm probably bound by my own somewhat private nature, and the social nature I was raised in.

It's hard to know though. 

Kate's a bit older than me, and she seems to display both an awareness of the "share anything" vibe, and uses her life, and awareness, in mainly a very conscious way.  As well, a lot of the 20 something spiritual types tend to be fairly unself-conscious about using the "public internet" to share any ole thing.

Thoughts on this?

From the guy a   more »

From Zen Habits:

Thanks to Integral Options for the link.  Good advice for integral practice.

For myself, sporadically keep various goals.  Sometimes it is better, sometimes worse. 

That's something you don't see the Steve Pavlina's of the world talk about. 

For me, there are three versions of what to do - "what I must do", and "what I want to do that's rewarding", and "what I do that fun, but an empty time waster". 

1."Must do", includes things like going to work, cleaning up, paying bills, etc. 

2. "What I want to do" are the various integral practices that make for a fulfilling, balanced life.  Exercise, meditation, volunteering, playing my guitar, learning a language, tech study, etc.  Even better, expanding my career, finding the next opportunity, integraly study, etc.

3. "What I have fun doing that's an empty time waster" is things like browsing the internet for hours on end, playing a video game, reading a pedestrian sci-fi novel, etc.  Watch movies, comedy shows with my sweetie.

I'm not too bad at the first category on the list.  And some of the activities that would be in category 2,  I do well - I meditate regularly, and I exercise regularly.  But some of the other goals there, I do much less.

Now category 3?  3, I'm pretty good at.  If I spent as much time on category 2, as I do on category 3, wow, I'd be an accomplished guy!!    (Internet, and the tv, as wonderful as it is, is a great tool for mental masturbation).

My longterm goal is to substitute more category 2 activities, for category 3 activities.  In terms of time.

And I've done a lot on this ground -

a.  Visualized my motivations - daily
b.  Setup umpteen schedules for activities.
c.  Started a regular practice of activities - that then falls away.
d.  Attempted various, and different, structures, to do more  activities. 

Still, 3 always ends up being what i do more of. I fall of the wagon.  I get distracted (except for meditation and exercise).  I go for three days, then go three days off, or a week off.

I've probably gone on a self-improvement kick - attempting to do more of category two activities more than category three activies - more than one hundred times in my life.

It's REALLY annoying to read these self-improvement guys, such as Pavlina, who basically don't acknowledge the move towards the baseline, of human nature.

Funny enough, I'm old enough now, that I don't "beat myself up" about doing less of category 2 than category 3.  First off, lots of time I spend "doing nothing" is spent in a pretty incredible place, where the "I" slips away, and only Being is happening.

But it is also pretty clear that the inherited habits (my own childhood background, was lacking both in any form of wealth, or much actual examples of spending a lot of time in category 2), tend to dominate actual living, the activity of this body.

Which is a shame, really - as the information on "how best to live", is pretty much all over the internet.  Working with resistance, changing those habits, moving out of baseline - as Wilber has said, what ACTUALLY causes change, in a person, what ends up actually motivating a person, despite the tens of thousands of hours of research, is still a mystery.

From the Washington Post